William Collins: Sex God
by queenoftherandomoneandonly
Summary: Bom chicka Wow wow! It's Mr Collins...and he's SEXY. Austen- I can only say I'm sorry.


**A/N: By God, I'm a sick little shit. Ok- this is comedy. This isn't meant to be a wank aid. I've just always wanted to write an Austen style sex-scene. Just the idea of Mr Collins' head on a sexy body makes me giggle.**

If Charlotte had been aprehensive upon entering into marriage that her husband could bring her little joy, it was nothing to her feelings as she entered her marriage bed.

Having grown up around animals, she had vague anatomical knowledge of the deed; though could not imagine that she and Mr Collins would mate like sheep. Lady Lucas had touched upon the matter on the eve of her daughter's wedding, though her advice ammounted to merely gritting her teeth and letting him do as he pleased.

"I do not imagine that it should hurt you, my dear, quite as much as it does the usual maid. They say that young ladies disposed to ride horses, swim or take other such exertion may have already...but it is inproper to say..." Lady Lucas blushed, "but in any case Charlotte, it is best to simply lie still."

So it came to pass that, as Mr Collins stood by his bed, that Mrs Collins lay quite rigid, concluding, as her mother had advised, to lie as still as possible so that tonight's wifely duties might come to quick conclusion.

Despite these immediate fears, Charlotte could not help but survey her husband as he undressed. With a serville smile, he began to remove his shirt. As he did so, Charlotte's eyes were drawn immediately to the flesh that was being laid bare. One could simply not imagine, when looking at a fully clothed Mr Collins, the rippling, muscle bound torso hidden beneath. Charlotte could not help but gasp as she percieved his pert, toned and powerful frame. What a delight! Why, if one were to remove his face, and replace it with that of someone more attractive, (perhaps Tom, the stablehand at Lucas Lodge,) he may even be considered handsome.

After the removal of his breeches however, the sight of her husband's torso was driven completely away by the sight of something else. Why, its shaft must be at least six and a half inches in length even now, in a state of total dormancy! Charlotte found herself quite at a loss of what to think...she was torn between utter terror and all consuming desire as she anticipated having the thing inside her.

With these thoughts to occupy her, Charlotte barely noticed as her husband lay at her side and began to talk at length about the state of marriage in the eyes of God, quoting sermons and passages in so liberal a manner as to render Charlotte, especially in this particular state of mind, quite insensible to his meaning.

"And, as the good Lord said to Noah: _'Be fruitful, multiply and replenish the_- Oh!"

Mr Collins was quite unable to conclude his speech, having been distracted somewhat by his wife's sudden stroking of that most intimate part of his anatomy. He jumped violently.

"Mrs Collins! I..."

"I am not myself Sir...I apolo-"

But Charlotte too was cut off as her husband pressed his lips most insistantly to hers, guiding her hand back to its previous post.

His physical lovemaking showed the same skill as that of his verbal lovemaking; it proved awkward, embarrassing and in all respects ill. _His_ passion proved to hinder rather than promote Charlotte's; any particular feeling of pleasure on his part manifested itself in a jolt so violent as to cause his teeth to bump unpleasantly into whichever part of her anatomy he was attempting to stimulate with his mouth. Though, by and large, Charlotte had enjoyed baring her breast to him, she could not pretend that the frequent cutting of teeth into flesh did not cause her pain.

When the time came to complete the deed, Charlotte looked down to find the member she had so admired before. Now turgid, it had grown at least an inch since her last viewing. What suprised her more however, was the sheer girth of the thing. Whether that would fit inside her...

But fit it did.

And my! Even the owner's appearance, lack of expertise and general undesirability could not ruin the _feel_ of such a thing inside her! Even though she knew it was Mr Collins at the other end of it, Charlotte discovered she could bear it tolerably well if she cast her eyes downwards. With only that below her husband's neck in her line of sight, Charlotte began to enjoy herself as she imagined the face of Tom the stablehand.

For his part, Charlotte fancied that Mr Collins had adopted a similar technique. For, at the crescendo of their passion, she could have sworn in amongst in the incomprehensible babble that spilled from his lips, she heard the name:

"De Bourgh!"

**A/N: God that was fun. This is what I do when I should be revising for my A-levels. Excuse any spelling mistakes- I did this straight onto the Doc Manager. Please Review! (SephyRose- I'm not a pervert, honest. I won't take Paris as an opportunity to rape you all! And don't tell me you haven't always wanted to read about this subject!) **

**Reviews guys!**


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